Effective Monday, March 03, 2008, Operation Drastically Reduce Lardass Quotient will begin with a fervor unmatched and unparalleled by any such program in history (except the mildly successful one begun in early October).
Somehow, between Christmas, birthday, and clearly lots of laziness and complacency, I have utterly erased any progress previously made via the gym and drastically reduced sugar intake. However, due to 2 events coming up in April (moe. shows and my cousin's wedding), I feel like I might have the necessary motivation to get back on the bandwagon. Hope for results!
Next week is officially a wash - between the bar exam and mandatory end-of-exam celebration, the nutrition forecast for next week is very poor, with the anticipated exercise time even shabbier. All is well, though, because if all goes to plan, my days will be filled with the below schedule:
5-6:30 AM: Gym
6:30-7:30 AM: Get ready for work
7:30 AM - 4:30 PM: Big-girl job (and lunch and breakfast, while working)
4:30 - 5:30 PM: Dog walk
5:30 - 11:00 PM: Extra-money job (and maybe dinner, on a ten minute break)
11:00-12:00 AM: Wind down
12 - 5:00 AM: Sleep and do it all again the next day. Woot.
Something along those lines. Gym preferable 5 days a week. 2nd job work preferable 4-5 days a week at 4-5 hour shifts.
I am excited. It will mean fewer trips to Athens, which sucks But maybe Al will come visit me. Maybe he won't, and I'll kick his ass to the curb for it. Maybe I'll keep him around anyway. Who knows, it's me, I'm wacky, and unpredictable (and not very brilliant in relationships!)
Either way, I will be 1.) Busier and 2.) Making more money.
WIN. BIG WIN.
If you know me, the next few lines won't come as much surprise. I don't like people insinuating that I'm wrong about something. I really don't like people telling me I'm wrong about something. But what I hate most, is actually being wrong. Call it a character flaw.
I'm willing to accept that, at times, being wrong happens. I'm even willing to own up to it. Because there's nothing I know with more conviction than that my decision to leave Tennessee in 2004 was, in fact, wrong.
I'm going to concede that the path I chose certainly led me to amazing people. I don't know what I would do if I'd never met Nathanial, Megan, Al, Chris, Theresa, Pat, Andy, Carly, Mark... the list could stretch on forever. I had fun - In addition to other things, I was able to live in a different country for four months; and consequently leave with one of the most bizarre stories I could ever ask for, but with memories I'll never forget, and having met my new best friend. I grew up - law school posed a daunting task, one which I completed, but certainly not with the kind of passion I'd hoped I would. Part of me regrets not caring more, but the rest of me is just glad I made it. I reached my goal - I am now the proud owner of three degrees, each very different from the other, a diversity that matches the impatient rhythm my brain constantly demands. I have a job that allows me to exercise each of those diverse educationally-honed talents, and pays me a (more than, but not more enough...) modest sum to do so. So what would be different, you ask, in a world where I'd never packed a U-haul and moved my entire future 3 hours southeast?
I'd like to first strip from my own mind, and the minds of any of my friends who may read this, the knowledge of the last three years' effect on my opinion of the man I was seeing upon my departure. Painting him in that particular light does not quite portray the reality that I feel fairly sure would have existed at that time. For had I made the decision to attend law school at UT, I would probably be enjoying a healthy (yet not perfect) relationship with that person. I would have graduated a year in advance of my UGA graduation date, and I likely could have found a position in Knoxville, or even Nashville, closer to my parents. Proximity to my parents still isn't a priority for me, but when I have a family, I imagine it will be. The constant questions of "what could have been" wouldn't plague me, because the truth is that I chose to leave out of fear that he would eventually leave me - I was making my own "what will be", instead of letting him write the verse. It was the quasi-grown-up version of breaking it off first so you didn't get hurt, but I was incapable of actually doing the requisite "breaking off" part.
My reasons for harboring such a fear stem from issues that I don't like to own up to very often. However, the person who becomes the central theme for this post seemed to have it down pretty well, pretty damn early on. While others knew me well, no one knew me as well as he did, and no one so clearly saw what was bringing me down, and so adamantly told me on frequent occasions. My negativity caused the problems he and I did have, and caused a multitude more that existed solely in my head. Jealousy, anger, sadness - all of these emotions flowed primarily from my negative reaction to what would normally be a very neutral situation. Or, had I behaved in a manner I would prefer, perhaps I could have defused a situation where a typical female would have negatively reacted. Regardless, I see my problems for what they truly are now.
I look at the former girlfriend (or former female interest, as far as I can tell) of the man I'm currently seeing - and this is a general statement, not necessarily being specific to my actual current situation here - and I immediately compare myself. She's always better looking, more popular, thinner, better in bed, or richer than I am. In my head, the only way I win is by being more intelligent. That's one thing I feel fairly sure about. But the other qualities that I expect this man is seeing in the other woman, even in my head, are far more desirable to the man than my intelligence will ever be. Any woman might have her self-esteem issues here and there, but will likely eventually consider herself better than former love interest girl. Maybe it's immediate, maybe it takes time. Me, I worried until the bitter end of my last relationship that he still wanted his ex, because she was prettier, better connected, and wealthier than I was. It wasn't that I was blind to the fact that she was also abusive, narrow-minded, and lazy; it just seemed like he didn't care about that stuff. Now, he's seeing someone - I think - that I personally feel I am more physically attractive than (and trust me, y'all, this is a new feeling for me; this happens VERY rarely). And instead of reminding myself of all the reasons I'm better than she is, I have spent HOURS trying to figure out what she could bring to the table that I couldn't.
On occasion, reality would come by and check in on me, and I'd understand that people do things for reasons outside of attraction or emotion - purely desiring the presence of another person is a reason I've done things I'm not exactly proud of. But again, the negativity comes flooding back, and I think maybe I'm the only human on the planet silly enough to cave in to such feelings; thus rendering said follow-up girl somehow better than me. It's a vicious cycle, one undeterred by my conscious understanding of it, my indisputable hatred for it, and my frequent attempts to make it end.
I seem to be dancing away from my original point. While I know the quasi-perfect life in Knoxville, Tennessee couldn't have cured me from my sometimes suffocating negativity, I feel that more time with the ebb and flow of his constant reminder of that negativity, my greatest flaw, contrasted with the overwhelming love and support that he gave me (which I was reminded of earlier this evening while rifling through some old files) could eventually have helped me at least begin to overcome it. Instead, I traded that security (and sometimes stinging truth) for the uncertainty of a new town. A town I hated, but grew to love as I realized my lifelines were getting severed back home. Now, that once-hated town is home, and I'm somewhere new, but this time, there's no easy road to 'salvation' - I'm still (six months in) completely alone, and I'm certainly still plagued by the nagging negativity, even though in some situations, I honestly should know better.
You, my friend, you were right. I am "negativene" too much. At least now I'm fully aware of that fact. Now, just to turn it around...
Or otherwise known as "bar exam study avoidance"...
My birthday's the day before Valentine's Day. In the past, that usually led to the one-gift-two-holidays issue. Or, in the case of some of the losers I dated, the no-gift-because-I'm-a-jackass issue.
The guy I'm seeing now did incredibly well, seeing as how we're long distance, and not as serious as (well, I'll be honest) I'd like to be. He ended up sending me a beautiful bouquet of roses on my birthday. And another on Valentine's Day. Definitely more flowers than this girl is used to seeing.
I really love them in the vases, but the problem is they're gonna go downhill real fast, even using some of the techniques people suggest to keep them looking fresher longer. So I decided that I'd do something to make the sentiment (?) behind them last longer. I started researching pressing methods.
I took some of the blooms that were in the backs of the two arrangements and finally put my Black's Law Dictionary to use. I will probably do some more in a few days, but I am excited about making some kind of craft that will help remind me how nice he was sending me those. Maybe, if I'm lucky, it will turn into something I can do on a regular basis, and perhaps locate some of that creativity I know is lurking beneath the surface.
I know full well that I don't have anything especially amazing or world-changing to give to the world through this medium, but sometimes, I enjoy getting things off my chest in a forum like this - it saves someone the effort of having to listen to me rant, and if someone is especially bored, it gives them something to do for about five minutes.
So, I'm back, but don't expect anything amazing. My life is insanely boring right now (even more so than it was back in law school), so personal controversy is pretty rare. However, I may be able to hone my effective writing skills by tackling worldly issues.
It's... interesting to be back.
