I'm done here.

At least for a very long while. Y'know, the time it takes to get me a real job.

For what it's worth, I'm madly in love with the greatest man you'll ever meet. He knows I love him. And I'd be willing to bet he loves me back.

Big News!

I am finally a lawyer. Albeit in a state where I do not currently reside...

I will be moving back. As soon as humanly possible.

I've celebrated by spending an amazing week in Athens/Atlanta, and following that up with three days of latte-slinging, and closing it out with a six pack of ballpark-style 16-oz plastic bottles of Miller Lite (which I can drink from my Braves jersey koozie).

Celebration, indeed!

Soon.

This Friday. I discover the news that will change my life. It will make my job search easier, or harder. It will signify that the path I've chosen personally happened for a reason, or will make me question everything. Especially in light of the conversation I had yesterday. I'm not necessarily hoping for anything to come of that, but the fact that we talked so easily makes me realize that in the long term of my life, it's a very real possibility that something may come of it.

All the same, I so hope I passed. I experienced the worst failure of my life when I didn't pass the first time. That Friday in late October has haunted me ever since. I ramped up my preparation, and I can only hope that it paid off.

Whatever happens, happens. I'm just happy that I'm in a good place right now, and that I was able to retain dignity and respect in my conversation yesterday.

absentee

I've been gone. But then again, I haven't had much to talk about, nor the unending swaths of time to discuss my snore-inducing issues. I'm currently slinging lattes full-time (again), and doing my very best to maintain my sense of ability in the face of over-qualification. I hope that my chances of salvation are around the corner.

I put my faith in the bar examiners of the state of Georgia. I put my faith in my ability to overcome one of the worst failures of my entire life, and to rise above it.

I have to put my faith in my ability to overcome many failures, and my fair share of vices. I know I can do great things with my days on this planet, and I intend to do each and every one of them.

I will succeed, even if I fail in my adventures in bar-exam-taking, and even if my current healthy relationship turns sour. It's all a state of mind, baby, and I'm ready to live there.

Soooo....

It's been an interesting day. My company's been having some financial difficulties, and I became one of the casualties today. Thank goodness I started a part-time gig a few weeks ago, so now I have something to fall back on. But I can honestly tell you, being laid off is NOT an experience I'd like to repeat.

I'll admit...

I never appreciated the sport of wrestling. I maligned it when my brother participated, simply because I saw him starve himself in the name of a lower weight class. I openly mocked it with my best friend for the singlet and homosexual undertones. And then, I met Al.

I didn't understand the importance of this sport to him for several months after meeting him. I still don't fully understand. However, I have finally accepted it as a true sport, and can appreciate the human element. It's so important to him. It was an essential bonding experience for him and his dad, and it has translated to an unbelievable bond between him and his students. And I can only imagine how happy it would make him to have a son that could follow in his admittedly impressive wrestling footsteps.

I've finally conceded. If I end up with Al, I'll gladly give him a wrestler. As long as I get a lineman. Fair's fair, and all.

New York, New York

A long weekend away from Charlotte was exactly what I needed. Sure, part of it was spent with the fam, which at times leads to stress, but it was fairly stress-free, and then on Saturday I spent the whole day with friends!

I met my family on Thursday and headed to Long Island, where we saw my grandmother for a few minutes before heading to the rehearsal dinner for my cousin's wedding (the reason for the whole trip). Whirlwind catching up with family while scarfing italian food - very nice. Following that, my parents, brother, brother's girlfriend and I went to have a cocktail before bed, which led to me finding out that the Braves would be playing at Shea Stadium for the weekend! I honestly didn't think it'd be possible for me to go to the game because we had plans to go to my aunt's house for breakfast saturday morning.

However... one of my best friends from law school decided to fly up for the weekend, and she was staying with one of our mutual friends in Brooklyn - they are both Braves fans, too - and they planned to go! So I was able to arrange to meet them in the morning in Brooklyn and then head to Shea with them. The Bravos lost 4-3, but it was still a fun game (despite $8 beers and nosebleed seats), and they're tearing down Shea after this season, so it was cool to be able to go there. After that, we went to SoHo to do a little shopping, and then to Canal street so my friend could find herself some good knockoff bags. We were even invited into one of the basement 'showrooms' - the only place to find any of the really good knockoffs, where she bought a couple of things. I'd have bought something, but I'm not too impressed by designer labels (or, as in this case, fake designer labels).

After that, we made it back to the house for a little break. We met another of my friends on a different side of Brooklyn for dinner. They took us to this great Oaxacan place, where we drank wine, and enjoyed mole negro all around the table. Following that, we went to a bar called the Cherry Tree, where I introduced the crowd to chilled blueberry vodka shots with orange. One of the guys we were with said I'd left my legacy in Brooklyn, but I doubt no one else has been imaginative enough to come up with that on their own.

Sunday morning I went with my friend to get bagels for breakfast, then quickly hopped into a cab bound for Laguardia. Sadly, we passed the station I'd gotten off the train from Long Island at, so I realized that I'd just gotten my bearings in Brooklyn right as I was leaving. I'll have to go back soon.

I got back to Charlotte and went to eat dinner and drink some beers before picking up the dog. The beers did the trick because I was passed out by about 9:00. All night I dreamt about my ex boyfriend, which did not lead to a very restful night. He always looks a lot better in dreams than he actually is in real life. I don't quite get that - guess my mind enjoys playing tricks on me. Easily enough forgotten when I remember that I get to see The Current Boyfriend in a couple of weeks! And if things keep going the way they are at work, I may be seeing The Current Boyfriend all the time when I move back to GA for work!

This post is badly written and not very funny, and I don't care, because I'm exhausted!

last (last) weekend (part two)

The boy came in town, which was great. It was his first time visiting, and despite the fact that I had a ticket for night #2, I decided to chill with him instead, and I'm glad I did. We went out to dinner and went to a bar I hang out at sometimes, and then went home. Pretty low key but that was okay... Saturday kind of made up for it.

Things were pretty ho-hum until the moe. show... We went to a movie and then met with my only Charlotte friend prior to the show so she could meet the boy. As we were heading across the street to the show, "Waste" came on, and I booked it for the door, prompting strange looks from both my boy and my friend. That just happened to be the song to which Wally first said "I love you", and I was in NO mood to be hearing that shit. Little did I know bringing up his name would come back to haunt me.

Once we were safely in the venue, beers in hand, and had found a decent spot to stand to wait for the show to start, I was pretty damn content. Exactly where I wanted to be, hanging out with exactly the person I wanted to be with. And then, out of nowhere, Wally. I turned really quickly so he wouldn't see me, and then he came back by, and I had to turn again. He'd told me several months ago that he wouldn't be able to come to the show, so I definitely didn't expect to see him there. And if he'd been there, I expected him to have CC with him. He came with his guy friends that live in Charlotte, I presume. I ended up texting him later (that was dumb) and talked to him the next day, but it certainly threw me to see him there. For a very short while I was reminded of good things with him. But the shitty stuff came back, too.

Plus, other things were happening which effectively diverted my attention. During set break, the boy was talking about his friends and the sighting of my ex had prompted some discussions of his former girlfriends/people he'd dated. I couldn't really get upset about it - the cause of many an emotional problem for the last two years for me was standing somewhere within the building, sharing the same oxygen we were. Either way, I certainly didn't expect to hear some of the things that came out of his mouth. Strangest, by far, is when he said he'd tried to find reasons not to like me, but just couldn't. Umm, thanks? He redeemed himself after the second set started, however. He gave me a reason to have happy memories of a different hippie song, because he decided that was a good time to finally say I love you to me. The funniest part about it (and he didn't have any clue what song was on, either) is that he said it to me during "Happy Hour Hero", and given how we met (through a bartender, at a bar) and how we first kissed (St. Patty's Day happy hour madness), it seemed fitting. Certainly memorable.

The rest of the night was great - he was perfect - not overly emotional, but completely devoid of it either - it was nice to be able to grab his hand if I wanted to, and not feel weird about it, or give him a quick kiss. The somewhat jerky progression of our relationship has left me feeling somewhat strange about things you normally take for granted in relationships, but I am starting to feel more secure about it now. So I'm pretty happy.

moe. shows + visits from the boy = WIN!

last weekend (part one)

Last weekend was fantastic. I'm disappointed that every weekend that follows it is bound to suck because it was so awesome. It effectively started on Thursday evening, when I left work and stopped at home to sign an additional 7-month lease at an astronomically ass-raping rent of $765 a month for a stunningly small apartment in a phenomenally boring suburb of Charlotte. That part wasn't so great, and neither was the harrowing drive over to NoDa, where the Neighborhood Theatre is. I made it okay, parked directly in front of the venue, picked up all of my tickets (two of which didn't get used, but that's okay... I spent Friday night a better way and the man's friend couldn't make it up), and went across the street for drinks. I sat there and got to know the few patrons who were sticking around (one of whom was working the door at the Theatre that night) and sampling their great beer selection. I met some friends of moe.'s drummer, who'd flown down from NY to see the 3-night run, and met some kids from PA who'd come down for the same reason. Pretty decent folks. In the show, I was pretty amazed at the youth of the better part of the crowd, and not too surprised by the conversation I heard, since I'd heard it a million times before at a million shows. ("Dude, I'm SO high", "Dude, this is my 16th show, I'm, like, so badass", "Oh yeah, well I got some Dead recordings from my dad, man, and they're ...", etc., etc., ad infinitum)

The show was good - I don't recall most of the setlist, but I do know they played Crab Eyes. And I just kept thinking to myself how great that was because my ex used to HATE that song. Strangely it reminded him of my past and he always hated when that song got played at shows. So when I heard it, I was like, hell yeah, that Crab Eyes is for you, ass. While I sometimes miss him, for the most part, I'm glad we're over... the good stuff we had is hard to forget, while I so easily willed away all the annoying shit from memory; there was PLENTY of annoying shit. Anyway, so that was pleasing to me. I went home at the end of the show and had to go straight to bed because I had to work on Friday, which really sucked, but I took a half day, which was cool. Speaking of work sucking, I get to leave now, so I'm gonna follow up with Friday's activities another time.

best week ever!

This will be the best week ever (okay, maybe just of 2008) for the following reasons:

1. Baseball started back officially last night (and though the Braves lost, at least a Brave hit the first HR in Nationals park history, since we had to hear about how this-and-that was the first ever, blah blah blah. way to go chipper)

2. moe. is coming to town, and they'll be here thursday-saturday. I have tickets to all three nights, but may or may not be present at all, because of ...

3. Al is visiting! I finally somehow convinced him (or Stephen did, whatever) to come up and visit. In his defense, he's been really freaking busy with football/wrestling/everything up til two weeks ago (when he dealt with another visit from me, so I guess he's off the hook there). But hell yeah! I'm not gonna make him and Stephen go to both Friday and Saturday, so I'll probably bow out of whichever night they don't want to go to. Totally worth it for more Al time!

My life's pretty ho-hum most of the time, so this is pretty badass! I'm excited, and quite frankly, if you don't care, then I don't care about you. So there.

What an ass

So, I have tried to stay friends with my ex-boyfriend. I haven't seen him since October, haven't spoken to him in weeks, and he can't bother to reply to 1.) a text message sent 3 weeks ago or 2.) an email sent last week.

I'm just trying to be nice. I feel like he and I went through too much to not at least be on speaking terms for the rest of our lives. It'd pretty much be a waste otherwise. I guess he's okay with waste.

If I ever do talk to him again, I can guarantee his official reason for not talking to me will be that he was "busy". I can understand busy, but too busy to give a short reply to an email/text? Please. That's just ridiculous.

So, in closing, screw you. Your loss.

traitor?

I wanted desperately for Tennessee to win last night, but I'd picked Louisville in my bracket pool. Does that make me a traitor?

I like to say I pick what's smart, but cheer from my heart. Yeah, lame, but that's what I did. I have UNC winning the whole thing.

I don't care about UNC. I don't care much for anything North Carolina-related at this point.

busy.

I love when I get to go to Georgia. I hate getting back here. I started my second job today.

Do I need to reiterate how shitty my life is that I needed to get a second job in order to pay my rent AND live like I used to?

I am job hunting in GA, so if you know any legal types (or hell, non-legal business types) that are seeking to hire, let me know. The closer I can be to Athens the better.

I hope this thing with the current boy works out. He could stand to be more affectionate, but on the balance, he's great. Would feel GREAT about my life right now if I just wasn't here. Sigh. Something to work on.

yawn...

I'd like to be out making this a crazy holiday like I normally do, except

1. I have to work tomorrow
2. Nothing could outdo last year's St. Patty's

#2 matters a whole lot more.

I made a complete ass of myself on St. Patty's last year, and I'm VERY happy I did so. I was lucky enough to end up talking to (and to fall off barstools for) the best man in Athens because of it.

Here's hoping he doesn't replace me this year!

McCain...

In the light of this comment by you:

"The enemy we fight has no respect for human life or human rights. They don't deserve our sympathy. But this is not about who they are. It is about who we are."

Why did you stand behind the veto of the bill banning waterboarding?

fark post

He/she said it way better than I ever could:

I mourn for what we once were - a nation of ideals, upheld by brave men and women who stood for what was right. Now, we're a bunch of puppy-pitching, bigoted, torturous savages abroad, backed by spineless yes-men and an imitation dictator at home and supported by countries desperate to remain on our good side so they can get a piece of the action.

brilliant!

I am in love with whoever did this:

sad day in my world

I am watching the preseason matchup between the Braves and the Nationals, and I just found out that Brian McCann got married during the offseason.

I mean, congrats and all that, but thanks for ruining that dream.

Signs

I'll admit, when I typed that title, I immediately thought of Tesla. But this post is about something very, very different.

Friday night I went out with a friend of mine to the bar/restaurant around the corner from my house. This particular friend has always had a "sixth sense" about things, and when I'm around her, I'm more apt to discover "signs" that I probably wouldn't normally put together.

Lately the biggest question in my life has been whether I'm going to eventually go back to Georgia. The last six months have been pretty crappy, because I'm in a new place, where I have yet to really meet anyone, and all I really have is work. Work folks are nice enough for 9-5, but don't really offer me any possibilities for after work excitement. The abrupt movement from having people to hang out with any time I wanted to having no one around and nothing to do really wreaked havoc on me.

In addition to the changes to my lifestyle since I moved here, I started seeing someone in Georgia. I don't really know how it happened, other than the fact that I spent an awful lot of time with him in the last month prior to leaving, and perhaps somehow I started thinking of him more as a relationship prospect than just a friend in order to keep a tie to the city I'd grown to love. I feel kind of bad, because I feel like I unintentionally moved us into this realm and didn't really give him an option, but as far as I can tell he hasn't really been fighting it since then. I stay with him everytime I go back to Georgia, and he invited me to go to Thanksgiving with him (so I wouldn't be alone here, it was NOT a show of solidarity in the relationship because it was FAR too fresh for that). My feelings for him since have deepened considerably despite the distance. He has become a major factor in my potential move.

Back to Friday night... I was talking to my friend about this guy, and several things occurred to me at once. The Atlanta Hawks were playing on all the TVs, R.E.M. was playing over the speakers, and I found out that the man sitting behind me shared the same name as my Georgia man.

Ok, so it's not an angelic command to move back or anything, but it was weird how it all happened at once. While skeptical, I wanted to think it meant something good, and my friend commented, "Well, it certainly didn't say 'You should be with Brandon'". [former "boyfriend" that I'd sadly fallen for pretty badly who only comes around when he needs something]

I don't know what to do, and I'm definitely scared I'm gonna make the wrong choice. But is there really a wrong choice right now? Let's hope I passed the bar exam. Could be best for my career AND my love life.

11 Random Facts About Me

Because no one's gonna read it on myspace. Or here. Whatever.

1. If I had to choose only one thing I could eat for the rest of my life, it'd be chicken kebabs from kebab kid in Oxford (and I actually had a dream about them the other night, obsessed, I know).

2. I cannot stand talking on the phone.

3. Most people don't know how short I actually am because I wear 3-4 inch heels almost every day

4. I have a habit of making Build-a-Bear teddy bears to match the looks/personality of the man I'm dating, and name them accordingly. Not all men I've dated where I've done this know about this.

5. I used to model for a local children's clothing shop when I was a kid (yeah, what happened there?)

6. My guilty television pleasure is decorating shows on HGTV or TLC

7. I've flown (and landed) a plane before.

8. Size DOES matter. Skinny men are NOT attractive.

9. I really enjoy films set in the Rennaissance period in Europe.

10. I love LOLCats

11. I would do anything for Brian McCann. Anything.

Bullshizzle

I'd like to personally thank the company with whom my company is about to enter arbitration for sending us 400 trees' worth of duplicative documentaton. Do I really need 15 copies of the 60-page development contract? How about 3 copies apiece of 7 different subcontractors' bids? What about catty emails from poor managers?

This is a bunch of crap, and I'm the lucky one assigned to sift through it all (and then create our own 400 trees' worth of crap to send back to them).

Document production = waste of paper.

weight watchers?

I decided to join. I realize that some people probably think this is lame as hell. But quite frankly, I gotta do something. This will keep me quasi-accountable (online weigh-in?) and perhaps will offer me some ideas and motivation for portion control and exercise ideas. I know a lot about this stuff already, but apparently something is missing its mark.

The only good thing about this whole weight issue is that someone recently guessed my weight, and he was WAY below what I actually weigh. I'm okay with that! Not to mention I'm pretty obsessive about checking out what other people my weight actually look like, and if my camera isn't lying, I don't look like them.

It's kind of like I told my friend yesterday: I'm built like a tank, apparently. I'll never be a willowy, skinny girl, but I'd prefer to be able to wear a short skirt without constantly feeling like a lardass. I was able to do that back when the MBA program started, and if I could get back to that point, I'd be pretty darn happy. I guess my goal weight is pretty lofty; perhaps I should reconsider.

Anyway, so far, so good. I joined today (because I didn't get paid until today) but started yesterday, but have stayed OP (on points, in WW lingo) and haven't yet used any flex points. I think that's the only redeeming thing about this program for me - I guarantee it'll piss me off if I go over my points, so I just have to make sure I don't give up if that happens; just get back on and try again.

I KNOW my self-esteem (tied to my weight, I think) can improve, and I don't really think it will take that much different motivation than other things I've done recently (haven't smoked a single cigarette since November!!!!!!)

So I guess I'll keep updating on this as it goes...

time for some changes

The first big task of 2008 is officially complete. I took the Georgia bar exam last Tuesday and Wednesday, and hope against all hope that I passed. Things in Charlotte are tenuous at best right now and while I'm not entirely sure a move back to Georgia will solve my problems, it might make them easier to bear. At very least, I'd feel more at home.

I'm seeing someone right now that at times makes me really happy, and at others truly disappoints me. I guess that's just the reality of human relationships, but I don't know if I'm fooling myself regarding my feelings for him in order to make life a little bit easier. He is a good man; he's intelligent, he has integrity, and we have fun hanging out. Sometimes I think he'd be a better friend than a boyfriend - but at the same time he's fantastic husband material. (If he ever reads this, I can only imagine that he's gonna keel over when he reads that). What's lacking, however, is a passion or really any strong feelings whatsoever for me. I don't ever really see him exhibiting the kind of passion I'm looking for, whereas the last guy I dated, I found issue in the fact that he seemed as interested in concerts and hippie bands as he was me (as if we were interchangeable). But I was mostly able to overlook that because at least it seemed he felt strongly about me.

The issue thus becomes: in a relationship that may or may not proceed along to a serious level, is passion important? Or is it instead compatibility, since most serious relationships (and further along, marriages) seem to proceed more smoothly when people can discuss things without every time ultimately ending up in some passionately angry fight? I can definitely see myself having issues with a relationship where the physical incarnation of that passion is missing - or maybe not quite meeting my expectations.

I can't really figure out what the best course of action is for me. Keep seeing him (which doesn't necessarily preclude me from pursuing other opportunities should they arise) or be alone. I don't really think being alone is the best idea for me right now. I don't have friends to fall back on like I used to, and the loss of the little things would be really tough. It's gonna take some real contemplation, though, because even as I was typing that, I remember that being my reason for not giving up on someone even when I DID have the friends to fall back on and count on. So maybe I'm just being weak and lying to myself.

Fear definitely keeps me from doing a lot. I'd like for that to change, but I think it'll probably require that I become more comfortable with myself, which I am attempting to work on. I thought all this angst, unrest, and confusion was supposed to be over after high school - what did I do wrong?

it just keeps coming up

after all that i've been through
you're the only one that matters
(climb to safety)
you never left me in the dark
here on my own
(climb to safety)
i can hear your water risin'
let me be your ladder
(climb to safety)
i promise you'll be dry
and never be alone

and so it begins...again.

Effective Monday, March 03, 2008, Operation Drastically Reduce Lardass Quotient will begin with a fervor unmatched and unparalleled by any such program in history (except the mildly successful one begun in early October).

Somehow, between Christmas, birthday, and clearly lots of laziness and complacency, I have utterly erased any progress previously made via the gym and drastically reduced sugar intake. However, due to 2 events coming up in April (moe. shows and my cousin's wedding), I feel like I might have the necessary motivation to get back on the bandwagon. Hope for results!

Next week is officially a wash - between the bar exam and mandatory end-of-exam celebration, the nutrition forecast for next week is very poor, with the anticipated exercise time even shabbier. All is well, though, because if all goes to plan, my days will be filled with the below schedule:

5-6:30 AM: Gym
6:30-7:30 AM: Get ready for work
7:30 AM - 4:30 PM: Big-girl job (and lunch and breakfast, while working)
4:30 - 5:30 PM: Dog walk
5:30 - 11:00 PM: Extra-money job (and maybe dinner, on a ten minute break)
11:00-12:00 AM: Wind down
12 - 5:00 AM: Sleep and do it all again the next day. Woot.

Something along those lines. Gym preferable 5 days a week. 2nd job work preferable 4-5 days a week at 4-5 hour shifts.

I am excited. It will mean fewer trips to Athens, which sucks But maybe Al will come visit me. Maybe he won't, and I'll kick his ass to the curb for it. Maybe I'll keep him around anyway. Who knows, it's me, I'm wacky, and unpredictable (and not very brilliant in relationships!)

Either way, I will be 1.) Busier and 2.) Making more money.

WIN. BIG WIN.

kthxbai?

on being wrong.

If you know me, the next few lines won't come as much surprise. I don't like people insinuating that I'm wrong about something. I really don't like people telling me I'm wrong about something. But what I hate most, is actually being wrong. Call it a character flaw.

I'm willing to accept that, at times, being wrong happens. I'm even willing to own up to it. Because there's nothing I know with more conviction than that my decision to leave Tennessee in 2004 was, in fact, wrong.

I'm going to concede that the path I chose certainly led me to amazing people. I don't know what I would do if I'd never met Nathanial, Megan, Al, Chris, Theresa, Pat, Andy, Carly, Mark... the list could stretch on forever. I had fun - In addition to other things, I was able to live in a different country for four months; and consequently leave with one of the most bizarre stories I could ever ask for, but with memories I'll never forget, and having met my new best friend. I grew up - law school posed a daunting task, one which I completed, but certainly not with the kind of passion I'd hoped I would. Part of me regrets not caring more, but the rest of me is just glad I made it. I reached my goal - I am now the proud owner of three degrees, each very different from the other, a diversity that matches the impatient rhythm my brain constantly demands. I have a job that allows me to exercise each of those diverse educationally-honed talents, and pays me a (more than, but not more enough...) modest sum to do so. So what would be different, you ask, in a world where I'd never packed a U-haul and moved my entire future 3 hours southeast?

I'd like to first strip from my own mind, and the minds of any of my friends who may read this, the knowledge of the last three years' effect on my opinion of the man I was seeing upon my departure. Painting him in that particular light does not quite portray the reality that I feel fairly sure would have existed at that time. For had I made the decision to attend law school at UT, I would probably be enjoying a healthy (yet not perfect) relationship with that person. I would have graduated a year in advance of my UGA graduation date, and I likely could have found a position in Knoxville, or even Nashville, closer to my parents. Proximity to my parents still isn't a priority for me, but when I have a family, I imagine it will be. The constant questions of "what could have been" wouldn't plague me, because the truth is that I chose to leave out of fear that he would eventually leave me - I was making my own "what will be", instead of letting him write the verse. It was the quasi-grown-up version of breaking it off first so you didn't get hurt, but I was incapable of actually doing the requisite "breaking off" part.

My reasons for harboring such a fear stem from issues that I don't like to own up to very often. However, the person who becomes the central theme for this post seemed to have it down pretty well, pretty damn early on. While others knew me well, no one knew me as well as he did, and no one so clearly saw what was bringing me down, and so adamantly told me on frequent occasions. My negativity caused the problems he and I did have, and caused a multitude more that existed solely in my head. Jealousy, anger, sadness - all of these emotions flowed primarily from my negative reaction to what would normally be a very neutral situation. Or, had I behaved in a manner I would prefer, perhaps I could have defused a situation where a typical female would have negatively reacted. Regardless, I see my problems for what they truly are now.

I look at the former girlfriend (or former female interest, as far as I can tell) of the man I'm currently seeing - and this is a general statement, not necessarily being specific to my actual current situation here - and I immediately compare myself. She's always better looking, more popular, thinner, better in bed, or richer than I am. In my head, the only way I win is by being more intelligent. That's one thing I feel fairly sure about. But the other qualities that I expect this man is seeing in the other woman, even in my head, are far more desirable to the man than my intelligence will ever be. Any woman might have her self-esteem issues here and there, but will likely eventually consider herself better than former love interest girl. Maybe it's immediate, maybe it takes time. Me, I worried until the bitter end of my last relationship that he still wanted his ex, because she was prettier, better connected, and wealthier than I was. It wasn't that I was blind to the fact that she was also abusive, narrow-minded, and lazy; it just seemed like he didn't care about that stuff. Now, he's seeing someone - I think - that I personally feel I am more physically attractive than (and trust me, y'all, this is a new feeling for me; this happens VERY rarely). And instead of reminding myself of all the reasons I'm better than she is, I have spent HOURS trying to figure out what she could bring to the table that I couldn't.

On occasion, reality would come by and check in on me, and I'd understand that people do things for reasons outside of attraction or emotion - purely desiring the presence of another person is a reason I've done things I'm not exactly proud of. But again, the negativity comes flooding back, and I think maybe I'm the only human on the planet silly enough to cave in to such feelings; thus rendering said follow-up girl somehow better than me. It's a vicious cycle, one undeterred by my conscious understanding of it, my indisputable hatred for it, and my frequent attempts to make it end.

I seem to be dancing away from my original point. While I know the quasi-perfect life in Knoxville, Tennessee couldn't have cured me from my sometimes suffocating negativity, I feel that more time with the ebb and flow of his constant reminder of that negativity, my greatest flaw, contrasted with the overwhelming love and support that he gave me (which I was reminded of earlier this evening while rifling through some old files) could eventually have helped me at least begin to overcome it. Instead, I traded that security (and sometimes stinging truth) for the uncertainty of a new town. A town I hated, but grew to love as I realized my lifelines were getting severed back home. Now, that once-hated town is home, and I'm somewhere new, but this time, there's no easy road to 'salvation' - I'm still (six months in) completely alone, and I'm certainly still plagued by the nagging negativity, even though in some situations, I honestly should know better.

You, my friend, you were right. I am "negativene" too much. At least now I'm fully aware of that fact. Now, just to turn it around...

pressing flowers

Or otherwise known as "bar exam study avoidance"...

My birthday's the day before Valentine's Day. In the past, that usually led to the one-gift-two-holidays issue. Or, in the case of some of the losers I dated, the no-gift-because-I'm-a-jackass issue.

The guy I'm seeing now did incredibly well, seeing as how we're long distance, and not as serious as (well, I'll be honest) I'd like to be. He ended up sending me a beautiful bouquet of roses on my birthday. And another on Valentine's Day. Definitely more flowers than this girl is used to seeing.















I really love them in the vases, but the problem is they're gonna go downhill real fast, even using some of the techniques people suggest to keep them looking fresher longer. So I decided that I'd do something to make the sentiment (?) behind them last longer. I started researching pressing methods.

I took some of the blooms that were in the backs of the two arrangements and finally put my Black's Law Dictionary to use. I will probably do some more in a few days, but I am excited about making some kind of craft that will help remind me how nice he was sending me those. Maybe, if I'm lucky, it will turn into something I can do on a regular basis, and perhaps locate some of that creativity I know is lurking beneath the surface.

back, perhaps

I know full well that I don't have anything especially amazing or world-changing to give to the world through this medium, but sometimes, I enjoy getting things off my chest in a forum like this - it saves someone the effort of having to listen to me rant, and if someone is especially bored, it gives them something to do for about five minutes.

So, I'm back, but don't expect anything amazing. My life is insanely boring right now (even more so than it was back in law school), so personal controversy is pretty rare. However, I may be able to hone my effective writing skills by tackling worldly issues.

It's... interesting to be back.