The first big task of 2008 is officially complete. I took the Georgia bar exam last Tuesday and Wednesday, and hope against all hope that I passed. Things in Charlotte are tenuous at best right now and while I'm not entirely sure a move back to Georgia will solve my problems, it might make them easier to bear. At very least, I'd feel more at home.
I'm seeing someone right now that at times makes me really happy, and at others truly disappoints me. I guess that's just the reality of human relationships, but I don't know if I'm fooling myself regarding my feelings for him in order to make life a little bit easier. He is a good man; he's intelligent, he has integrity, and we have fun hanging out. Sometimes I think he'd be a better friend than a boyfriend - but at the same time he's fantastic husband material. (If he ever reads this, I can only imagine that he's gonna keel over when he reads that). What's lacking, however, is a passion or really any strong feelings whatsoever for me. I don't ever really see him exhibiting the kind of passion I'm looking for, whereas the last guy I dated, I found issue in the fact that he seemed as interested in concerts and hippie bands as he was me (as if we were interchangeable). But I was mostly able to overlook that because at least it seemed he felt strongly about me.
The issue thus becomes: in a relationship that may or may not proceed along to a serious level, is passion important? Or is it instead compatibility, since most serious relationships (and further along, marriages) seem to proceed more smoothly when people can discuss things without every time ultimately ending up in some passionately angry fight? I can definitely see myself having issues with a relationship where the physical incarnation of that passion is missing - or maybe not quite meeting my expectations.
I can't really figure out what the best course of action is for me. Keep seeing him (which doesn't necessarily preclude me from pursuing other opportunities should they arise) or be alone. I don't really think being alone is the best idea for me right now. I don't have friends to fall back on like I used to, and the loss of the little things would be really tough. It's gonna take some real contemplation, though, because even as I was typing that, I remember that being my reason for not giving up on someone even when I DID have the friends to fall back on and count on. So maybe I'm just being weak and lying to myself.
Fear definitely keeps me from doing a lot. I'd like for that to change, but I think it'll probably require that I become more comfortable with myself, which I am attempting to work on. I thought all this angst, unrest, and confusion was supposed to be over after high school - what did I do wrong?
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