brilliant!

I am in love with whoever did this:

sad day in my world

I am watching the preseason matchup between the Braves and the Nationals, and I just found out that Brian McCann got married during the offseason.

I mean, congrats and all that, but thanks for ruining that dream.

Signs

I'll admit, when I typed that title, I immediately thought of Tesla. But this post is about something very, very different.

Friday night I went out with a friend of mine to the bar/restaurant around the corner from my house. This particular friend has always had a "sixth sense" about things, and when I'm around her, I'm more apt to discover "signs" that I probably wouldn't normally put together.

Lately the biggest question in my life has been whether I'm going to eventually go back to Georgia. The last six months have been pretty crappy, because I'm in a new place, where I have yet to really meet anyone, and all I really have is work. Work folks are nice enough for 9-5, but don't really offer me any possibilities for after work excitement. The abrupt movement from having people to hang out with any time I wanted to having no one around and nothing to do really wreaked havoc on me.

In addition to the changes to my lifestyle since I moved here, I started seeing someone in Georgia. I don't really know how it happened, other than the fact that I spent an awful lot of time with him in the last month prior to leaving, and perhaps somehow I started thinking of him more as a relationship prospect than just a friend in order to keep a tie to the city I'd grown to love. I feel kind of bad, because I feel like I unintentionally moved us into this realm and didn't really give him an option, but as far as I can tell he hasn't really been fighting it since then. I stay with him everytime I go back to Georgia, and he invited me to go to Thanksgiving with him (so I wouldn't be alone here, it was NOT a show of solidarity in the relationship because it was FAR too fresh for that). My feelings for him since have deepened considerably despite the distance. He has become a major factor in my potential move.

Back to Friday night... I was talking to my friend about this guy, and several things occurred to me at once. The Atlanta Hawks were playing on all the TVs, R.E.M. was playing over the speakers, and I found out that the man sitting behind me shared the same name as my Georgia man.

Ok, so it's not an angelic command to move back or anything, but it was weird how it all happened at once. While skeptical, I wanted to think it meant something good, and my friend commented, "Well, it certainly didn't say 'You should be with Brandon'". [former "boyfriend" that I'd sadly fallen for pretty badly who only comes around when he needs something]

I don't know what to do, and I'm definitely scared I'm gonna make the wrong choice. But is there really a wrong choice right now? Let's hope I passed the bar exam. Could be best for my career AND my love life.

11 Random Facts About Me

Because no one's gonna read it on myspace. Or here. Whatever.

1. If I had to choose only one thing I could eat for the rest of my life, it'd be chicken kebabs from kebab kid in Oxford (and I actually had a dream about them the other night, obsessed, I know).

2. I cannot stand talking on the phone.

3. Most people don't know how short I actually am because I wear 3-4 inch heels almost every day

4. I have a habit of making Build-a-Bear teddy bears to match the looks/personality of the man I'm dating, and name them accordingly. Not all men I've dated where I've done this know about this.

5. I used to model for a local children's clothing shop when I was a kid (yeah, what happened there?)

6. My guilty television pleasure is decorating shows on HGTV or TLC

7. I've flown (and landed) a plane before.

8. Size DOES matter. Skinny men are NOT attractive.

9. I really enjoy films set in the Rennaissance period in Europe.

10. I love LOLCats

11. I would do anything for Brian McCann. Anything.

Bullshizzle

I'd like to personally thank the company with whom my company is about to enter arbitration for sending us 400 trees' worth of duplicative documentaton. Do I really need 15 copies of the 60-page development contract? How about 3 copies apiece of 7 different subcontractors' bids? What about catty emails from poor managers?

This is a bunch of crap, and I'm the lucky one assigned to sift through it all (and then create our own 400 trees' worth of crap to send back to them).

Document production = waste of paper.

weight watchers?

I decided to join. I realize that some people probably think this is lame as hell. But quite frankly, I gotta do something. This will keep me quasi-accountable (online weigh-in?) and perhaps will offer me some ideas and motivation for portion control and exercise ideas. I know a lot about this stuff already, but apparently something is missing its mark.

The only good thing about this whole weight issue is that someone recently guessed my weight, and he was WAY below what I actually weigh. I'm okay with that! Not to mention I'm pretty obsessive about checking out what other people my weight actually look like, and if my camera isn't lying, I don't look like them.

It's kind of like I told my friend yesterday: I'm built like a tank, apparently. I'll never be a willowy, skinny girl, but I'd prefer to be able to wear a short skirt without constantly feeling like a lardass. I was able to do that back when the MBA program started, and if I could get back to that point, I'd be pretty darn happy. I guess my goal weight is pretty lofty; perhaps I should reconsider.

Anyway, so far, so good. I joined today (because I didn't get paid until today) but started yesterday, but have stayed OP (on points, in WW lingo) and haven't yet used any flex points. I think that's the only redeeming thing about this program for me - I guarantee it'll piss me off if I go over my points, so I just have to make sure I don't give up if that happens; just get back on and try again.

I KNOW my self-esteem (tied to my weight, I think) can improve, and I don't really think it will take that much different motivation than other things I've done recently (haven't smoked a single cigarette since November!!!!!!)

So I guess I'll keep updating on this as it goes...

time for some changes

The first big task of 2008 is officially complete. I took the Georgia bar exam last Tuesday and Wednesday, and hope against all hope that I passed. Things in Charlotte are tenuous at best right now and while I'm not entirely sure a move back to Georgia will solve my problems, it might make them easier to bear. At very least, I'd feel more at home.

I'm seeing someone right now that at times makes me really happy, and at others truly disappoints me. I guess that's just the reality of human relationships, but I don't know if I'm fooling myself regarding my feelings for him in order to make life a little bit easier. He is a good man; he's intelligent, he has integrity, and we have fun hanging out. Sometimes I think he'd be a better friend than a boyfriend - but at the same time he's fantastic husband material. (If he ever reads this, I can only imagine that he's gonna keel over when he reads that). What's lacking, however, is a passion or really any strong feelings whatsoever for me. I don't ever really see him exhibiting the kind of passion I'm looking for, whereas the last guy I dated, I found issue in the fact that he seemed as interested in concerts and hippie bands as he was me (as if we were interchangeable). But I was mostly able to overlook that because at least it seemed he felt strongly about me.

The issue thus becomes: in a relationship that may or may not proceed along to a serious level, is passion important? Or is it instead compatibility, since most serious relationships (and further along, marriages) seem to proceed more smoothly when people can discuss things without every time ultimately ending up in some passionately angry fight? I can definitely see myself having issues with a relationship where the physical incarnation of that passion is missing - or maybe not quite meeting my expectations.

I can't really figure out what the best course of action is for me. Keep seeing him (which doesn't necessarily preclude me from pursuing other opportunities should they arise) or be alone. I don't really think being alone is the best idea for me right now. I don't have friends to fall back on like I used to, and the loss of the little things would be really tough. It's gonna take some real contemplation, though, because even as I was typing that, I remember that being my reason for not giving up on someone even when I DID have the friends to fall back on and count on. So maybe I'm just being weak and lying to myself.

Fear definitely keeps me from doing a lot. I'd like for that to change, but I think it'll probably require that I become more comfortable with myself, which I am attempting to work on. I thought all this angst, unrest, and confusion was supposed to be over after high school - what did I do wrong?